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Page 250 of 722.

Just another Post

I feel small. Tiny and insignificant. Right at this moment I want the day to be just over. Finished and done with. I want to curl up on my bed and feel someones arms around me. I want everything to be ok. I want this week to be gone. and forgotten.

There are days where I want to be forgotten. I wish no one knew who I was. So I could go....and not feel remorse. I'll never go. I'll always be here for those who need me.

I'm lost...Wandering the streets of my mind....this must be what it feels like to be in a coma....or to be in the Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop.

Numb, inarticulate and vaguely stupefied. I want my bed.

ef.





My pet has requested that I make a post to this site, and as she knows, there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for her, so here goes...

Her request was that I not post anything too sappy, so I shall do my best to steer clear of that. I had hoped to post a dream I had involving her, but unfortunately, I never seem to be able to remember details of dreams, only general feelings, emotions, reactions etc. So that idea went out the window...

So what to write, what to say about my sweet little pet. I don't always get all the time I wish I could have with her, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't always have the time she wishes she could with me. But in some ways, that just makes the time we have together more special, more exciting. My pet is such a good girl, always goes out of her way to please me, to satisfy me, and she does in every way. She has asked me to describe one of my fantasies, and although I am nowhere near the writer that she is, I shall give it a try:

I imagine leading her to our room, her hand in mine as I guide her with me. Standing her in front of me, taking a step back, admiring her beautiful body, her wonderful form, her face, smiling, but with just a hint of nervousness, of apprehension, of anticipation. Reaching my hands forward, and unbuttoning her blouse, my hands sliding up around her neck, lightly caressing the leather collar that fits snugly around her, and then sliding my hands down, over her shoulders, grazing over the skin, slipping under the material, and helping it to slide from her shoulders.

Leaning in to kiss her softly, gently, tenderly, my tongue grazing over her lips, my teeth lightly finding them, and biting softly. My hands returning to her shoulders, slowly easing the straps of her bra from her shoulders, my fingers moving behind her, lightly unsnapping the clasp, and sliding the bra down onto the floor. My eyes locked on her as her breasts become exposed, her nipples pink and excited, my breath catching in my throat.

Taking her hands in mine, and guiding her gently to the bed. Laying her down onto het back, leaning over her to kiss her, deeply this time, with passion, my body pressing to her's, my chest rubbing slightly against her breasts. My hands taking her wrists, and guiding them up slowly above her head, taking the leather cuffs that are attached to the head of the bed, and binding each one around her wrists. Lifting my head to smile down at her, tracing my fingers down her chest, over the rise of her breasts, and down over her stomach, to the waistband of her skirt...

**************************

I think that is enough for tonight, we wouldn't want people thinking I had a dirty mind on my first post now, would we?

G

Okay So now I'm in a rare mood. It was a rare mood to begind with as could be noticed by the ...after name?.....on my MSN. Which happened to be "Today I want to hold the Whip," It was a rare mood.

Only to be made rarer...?....when someone asked what it meant and why I was being so pissy lately. I made some smart ass remark and shortly got a "Fine you want to be a bitch well fuck-you too,"...although much more hostile sounding.

One thing I can not abide is being called names or sworn at in anger. I will not do it to you. Please do not do it to me. It's a small thing I hold in deep regard. It's called Respect.

Now I do not mean to go all "Respect lady" On you, (For those of us Ajaxians out there) but respect is a big thing and being able to control your temper is an amazing thing.

At this place in time. I. am. Angry. I wrote it with a smile on my face and love in my heart. I do not, and will not yell at you. I will very calmly, try to explain how I feel I've been wronged, and if we're on the phone hang up when I'm done letting you get no word in edge-wise. If you're in front of me I will shakily confront you with a waver in my voice because I don't like showing emotions. Particularly volatile ones. When I am done. I will calmly walk away.

If you try to reason with me, I will listen, and if I think your point is more valid. I will conceed. If I don't, I will not back down.

It's called Strength of Conviction. Not annoying. Or infuriating. Those are feelings that may be felt by the other party when dealing with me in this mood. I understand that, I can see how some would find that my unwillingness to stamp my feet and scream bloody murder infuriating. Sort of.

I can be wrong. I will admit that if I think I am wrong, maybe not gracefully, but I will do it. Ask Jen. Or Lauren. they both know I will do it.

If people would calm down more often before letting their anger loose, there might be less cases of road rage, less cases of random violence. It's a matter of knowing when, where and how to vent your emotions.

I can sort of handle my own. I shouldn't have to handle other peoples as well.

I may come back and re-read/edit this later when I'm not so....*scrunching my nose* Yech.....argumentative, confrontational. Angry. *biting off the last word*

EroticFae
P.S. For anyone interested in yelling at me afterwards about putting this on my blog....I'm not going to finish this sentence...it will only serve to...infuriate people more. Hmm, it almost makes me want to finish it y'know?

(Christ I sound like Rikku)

ok, so here goes my last few posts have been...excruciatingly long. Here I will try to learn from others and write short and sweetly.

1)Woke up late Sunday morning therefore got to the cottage late. But we got to stop for Ice Cream. Mmmm, Black Raspberry Thunder Kwartha Dairy.

*side note* I saw the store I normally see on the way north but for some reason the sign made me smile for another reason altogether. The store is a craft/woodsy athletic looking place and the sign to attract people has a huge, ginormous sized goos above it and says "Come in For A Gander"...It made me think of Goose & Gander. It made me smile and I felt very okay to be away from technology.

2)We arrived at the shoot a little later than normal 1:15. We should have been there for 1:00. We were the third people there. Nevrtheless I could have not showed and placed virtually the same. 2nd last. I practiced and got a bullseye and shot to place and only got 5, with both the 22 and 3030 (thirty-thirty).

3) Thanksgiving dinner was small this year. Only 8 of us and we ate like kings. I didn't eat that much because my stomach is still bothering me but it was superb!

4)Went to the cottage early...watched Charmed. *sigh* Went to bed.

5)Woke up late hurried to the farm because I was supposed to meet my cousin there at 9:30 to go riding. She showed basically half an hour later than I did...and only because I called her.

6)Had to literally chase after the horses for ten or fifteen minutes....Chasing after a thousand pound animal that can run faster than a three wheeler...sound fun? It's not. Funny, yes; fun, no.

7)Went riding was feeling very comfortable, got into a lope on the stretch home, fell off landed on my ass, rolled over and curled into a ball.

8)Re-learned to breathe. (If you've been reading Laurell K. Hamilton like I suggested you would know where this came from)

9)felt pain, lots and lots of pain.

10)Spent three hours driving home in pain. I could literally feel my body stiffening...even after taking advil.

11)Looked in the mirror when I got home. My ass is slightly blue from the bottom of the cheek up covering the bottom of my back and across to the center of my back. Sitting, standing, moving, being still it all feels the same. PAINFUL!

12)Wrote in my blog after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Which was painfully good. (Think, Now & Then, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and Crossroads without the music.)

*to happen shortly*
13)Go to bed!

14) Wake up and possibly cry or at least have an epsom salt bath.

EroticFae


.....So Much for short and Sweet.

So this last week has been borderline hell for me what with my cold, thinking I was going to be alone on Thanksgiving, and yes I know I wouldn't be left alone my friends would hav invited me to their place. The story is long, well not so long, and painfull. It boils down to the fact that I haven't spent a Thanksgiving, since my dad died, away from the cottage. That is the only place I truly feel connected to him and when I thought I would be without that comfort level, that certain security blanket, it was a tangible, real pain in my chest. I was almost having an anxiety attack because of it. It tells me one thing.

I haven't grieved properly. But I don't want to talk about that stuff right now.

I am going to my cottage, I get to wake up in five hours and shower and then leave. I'll get to be at the shoot and I'll probably even shoot, and lose. I'll get to go horseback riding and eat turkey and stuffing with gravy and cranberry sauce....home made cranberry sauce, homeade pumpkin pie...homemade all kinds of pies! Lemon Merangue, Pumpkin, cocnut Cream, Cherry, did I mention Pumpkin? *drool*

Mmm, lets see...oh yes, I'm planning on taking a whack load of pictures of the horses, maybe get my cousins to take some of me with the horse I normally ride. I can't wait.

I'll see all the different colours on the trees, feel the bite of winter in the air. God it feels so good to be up there at this time of the year. I'll be honest, until you've seen me around my family. You have no idea who I am. And afterwards....you'll be very confused.

On another note.

I've been thinking that soon when I go horseback riding I should wear the duotone balls, not yet! I'm definately not ready for that yet. But I think it could be interesting.

Yet again another note:

When you screw in a lightbulb, or for that matter any kind of a screw, the basic rule is 'righty-tighty, lefty-loosey'. Did you know Jugs are the opposite? And no I'm not talking about breasts for once....have I even talked about breasts on here before? *Shrugs,* Oh well, I'm sure you all know what I mean.


And now for the entertainment for the day/evening/middle of the night ....not that I haven't been trying to entertain you thus far but....oh I'm sorry, back to the point.

******


I left her standing at the car with her mom and the two dogs. It was well past midnight and the dark made it that much colder. The bite in the air made me walk that much faster.

I walk with both hands in my jacket pockets, each hand grasping a set of keys that have at least one large very painfull looking key on the ring. I don't know what I'm afraid of but it makes my heart beat faster. Cars drive by, their lights glaring at me angrily. One vehicle turns the signal indicator on, and moves into the next lane, I wait for it to go by before finishing the walk across.

I feel threatened.

I walk through the dark pathway leading to the alley, the light coming from the lamposts is dull and eeriely (sp?) orange. I hear the quiet voices of the two men down the way, they look over at me and try to hide the glowing ember, I can smell the pot from more than twenty feet away.

I feel the urge to ask for a hit.

I've never smoked it before so I ignore the urge and continue on my trek home. I walk down the four or five stairs it takes to arrive in the shadowy cat walk between two large houses. The wind speaks to the trees, and the leaves rustle in their foreign tongue. I catch my breath as wind rolls over me, I let it out when it's done and gone for the moment. It'll be back. Soon. I should walk faster, I keep telling myself I should have taken the car.

But I like the excercise, I haven't been to the gym in more than a week.

I walk past the house with the 'Power of Sale' sign in front. It even feels empty, like a ghost house, almost. I pick up speed and wonder why there are so few lamp posts on the street, the night is cold and eerie. It feels vaguely threatening and soon I'm stepping lightly up my steps. I keep an eye out for the spider living in our light fixture and I open the door stepping inside and locking it quickly. I'm home. I look at the clock on my telephone in the darkened kitchen. 12:35am.

It took me less than five minutes to arrive home tonight. I can do better.

******

EroticFae

...Apparently, quite a few people have visited. and not left comments.


Do you know what this does to a persons psyche?? I'm....a needer of comments. I seek for acceptance even though I hate it, and comments are the way I get it, even if you comment to say ...uhm...:

ur writing sux. ur a hack. get a lif u durte perv.

Yeah, thats about the worst kind of comment I could come up with....hell that would make me laugh. I'd then of course tell the poor soul to go back to school ...beginning with Kindergarten because clearly he needs to relearn everything.


*Quirking my head to the side* I just like the comments people so bring 'em on!!!!! *flicking my fingers in a 'Come'n'get me manner*

Next point.

My new manager, is a lesbian. It's interesting, we were talking and I said something which led me to this whole "I'm a big a fan of men comment" to which she replied,
"I'm a big fan of women,"
I wasn't necessarily shocked because I had heard rumours through the grapevine that is ...*We apologize for the inconvience but the connection has been momentarily dropped due to censorship.* Loud Buzzing Noise Ensues So I wasn't shocked at that I was shocked at the fact that she was so bold about it. (Jen made me laugh, she said my fingers are faster than my brain when it comes to typing...me?! Ha!)

So it's interesting, life will be interesting at...where I work.

Next Point.

Laurell K. Hamilton.
Amazing Author. Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, Zombie Raisers (Animators,) Triumvirates, Dominate and submissives lifestyles, pain and bondage, friendship. What more can a girl ask for? Sex...oh yeah its there in the later books. Read her, Devour her first, then go back and taste her writings again. I have, I love her.
I also love Asher.

Next Point.


Why is it people will Always...ALWAYS say I love Music, and then proceed to bash a type...particularly Country music.

I am a fan of Country music.

Thats right. Country. Who's gonna beat me up!? Nobody. Cause it's good and you're all either closet listeners or fans of Shania, who's music is 90% pop btw.

Listen to George Strait, or Reba McEntire. Story songs, country, a little bit of twang some poignancy, or some hilarity.

But most importantly...you can understand what they are saying and a lot of the time they haven't altered their voices on the C.D.s.

Phew. I'm glad I got all that out. Now....a bit of creativity for the soul.

I sit behind a wall of glass,
I wish I had a tail to wag.
I wish I could go home with you,
I want to cuddle,
I want your hands petting me,
I want to be good,
I want to be bad,
let it out.
scream out loud.
here I sit.
behind this wall of glass.


Ech....I don't like it. I'm sure now I'll get all sorts of comments, *note sarcasm*

EroticFae