A slightly older Picture.

Got this off of Lil Bit's site. Thought it was different. So..uhm. yah.

Go wild, let me know what ya'll think.

~Fae.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

The Killer Headache from hell.

As I recently told G...

*Snuggles,* I feel icky. (to be followed shortly thereafter by this brief explanation) I have the headache from hell to go along with the cramps from hell to go along with the lack of sleep because of the nightmares from hell


God, you would not believe the dreams I've been having. I don't know why I'm having them now as I've gotten back into reading Nora Roberts, who btw writes romance. I haven't read any Max Haines for over a week and the nightmares are just beginning. He writes about True Crime. So Paul and Karla....the lady in the maritimes that shot and killed her common law husband and was the first woman to get off murder charges on what was later to be the battered spouse syndrome. The guy that talked two people into coming her from britain just so he could kill them and collect the money they were going to pay him for the land he was selling...but wasn't really selling, just so he could pay off his debts. Of course, the details are a little more morbid....oh oh how about the guy that murdered his wife in front of their six children while they were away for the summer working at a saw mill and then proceeded to take her to the saw mill, whereupon the children never saw their mother again. Although once they were grown and not afraid their father would kill them they spilled the beans on him and the oldest son said he could hear his Mother crying as his father dragged her past the window. All so he could shack up with another woman.

People are disgusting. And because I have a morbid fascination with stuff like this I have been having crazy dreams. Let's see, theres one where I'm in my house and a serial killer is trying to find me, and I'm trying to get out as quickly and quietly as I can, I'm in my barefeet wearing a nightdress....and I can't be quiet because the blood in the carpeting is squelching through my toes, I hear him laughing and as I turn around I see the flash of an axe about to bury itself, if not in my head then in the doorjamb of my dining/living room area. I wake up then.

Of course as soon as I close my eyes theres the guy thats grinning maniacally at me and rips his face off with his own hands...his actual face...not just a mask...his skin, flesh, muscles....everything...quite the mess gets sprayed when someone does that.....although considering the amount of zit pus my brain threw in I'm sure there was really too much, I mean you can't end up looking like Carrie at the prom from just one face being ripped off.

Then of course there's the dream where some guys going after my neice and nephew. I try to protect them and end up getting a hatchet to the face.....I wake up then too. Then I close my eyes and think of birthdays cakes with candles...and I see my cottage burning down, so I think of numbers...1...2...3...10...12...13....dead face floating in the water...oh look it's me..wake up time! so I close my eyes...happy thoughts...peter pan....flying...falling...falling no parachute...sma-wake up. Close my eyes again to try it over....oh there I am strung up like a pig on a spit...the giants are carrying me over that big rope bridge about 50,000 feet above a roaring river. Im' struggling and one of them plunges a knife into my neck...I wake up yet again....I'm lying in bed next to someone....but...they're sitting up I can tell because I can't feeltheir body all the way down the side of me I open my eyes and a pillow crashes down ontop of my face. Wake up, close my eyes and see myself being violently ill from arsenic poisoning. Open my eyes and pound my pillows a bit. Roll over and after counting and thinking happy thoughts get back to bed...then the alarm goes off...I get to go to work now. Yea. *said with a deadpan face and absolutely no enthusiasm*

I spent the day at work with a headache from creepy dreams, cramps from hell, a stomach that was starting to get persnickety cause it's deciding i feed it the wrong stuff again. tired as hell and now I feel cranky cause my head feels...huge, blown up...disproportionate (is that a word and did I spell it right?) to the rest of my body....it feels slightly coneheaded and bulbous to the right hand side at the back. And the pulsing pain brehind my eye doesn't help.

Oh did I mention I've been getting back pains? Lower back, between my shoulder blades....middle of my back...everywhere really. So...Hows that for someone who rarely complains about hersel


EroticFae





Ok, so for this week I couldn't decide which was better so I'll put up both and let you choose.
Oh and of course moving on with the features theme, my next Two features are my skin and hair, my curly strawberry blond hair....completely natural guys. And my pale creamy skin with rosy undertones, you can't tell but I keep it silky smooth. So theres two more of the features I like best about myself.

One...


and Two...

So what'd ya think? Am I making good use of my new digicam? ;)

Eroticfae





Ed. Note: This was meant to be a comment to JeN's post on smoking, and as i wrote, and wrote, and wrote I realized I could not just post it in her comments box. So Jen, here is my response to you. It may not be one many understand, but I understand it...and really, does anything else matter? E.F

Addictions are scary things. A person can be addicted to any one of a million different things. Many of my family members are drinkers and smokers. When I was little, yes littler than I am now, my mom and dad both smoked, my mom quit cold turkey and a few years later so did my dad. My dad however subsititued. He was an alcoholic. A good one too as I was kept unaware for many years. Then He got sick while away for work. He got sick, and he started smoking. Which aggravated the illness. For the next five almost six years he smoked off and on while he was in and out of hospitals and ICU's. and off and on oxygen. My uncles helped him by buying him the cigarettes. They would sit and have a smoke with their brother or brother in-law.

My Daddy is dead. He was alcoholic and a smoker to his dying day because when you are addicted to something you never stop being addicted. You stop doing it yes, but you'll never be free of the addiction, its one of the reasons they're so hard to kick. I keep a bottle of Fireball Whiskey in my bedroom. It's half finished. And I have never taken a sip of it since it was put in my room.

Alcoholism is hereditary, a person with an alcoholic parent is more likely to become alcoholic than another with a family of non-alcoholics.

The fact that I grew up with most of my uncles and aunts being smokers means that when I do drink, I get cravings for a cigarette. I have twice taken drags from someone elses cigarette. They were smooth, and sweet and I could understand why people liked it. I just liked the way it looked in my hand. I handed one back and resisted temptation the rest of the night, the other was done after my drag so I tossed it on the ground and snuffed the light out with my foot which gave my a little thrill and I've never asked for one since.

My sister used to smoke. She quit just before Daddy died.

He wasn't there to walk her down the aisle, or to see me graduate, or to hold his grandchildren. He wasn't here for his 30th anniversary with my mom he died in July of 2000 the anniversary was Novemeber.

The knowledge of what he is missing, of what my niece and nephew are missing, of what I miss every day and the knowledge that I liked smoking just a little too much, that I could have a drink before I go into work just feel a little happier is what keeps me from doing it. I am strong as a person. I have to be strong, I have to be able to function properly for my mother, for my sister and for my friends just in case they need me.

I quite often want to break down, to be selfish and to take that drink in the middle of the afternoon and...it scares me. I see my uncles, unable to function 100% because of heart attacks and multiple strokes. I see another uncle whose marriage is falling apart because he traded in his addiction for alcohol for an addiction to AA meetings, and the church.

I will not be like the rest of my family. I will not succumb to that temptation. I can't. Otherwise the person you know that is writing this, will no longer be.

I am strong.
I am small, but I am mighty.

EroticFae

Of Course I'm no Angelina or Jennifer Garner for that matter, but for this weeks HNT, I decided to post what I feel is one of my more attractive attributes. Not my best feature, but definately in the top five.

On another note, I've been thinking of creating a...sub-blog...purely for posting HNTs and keeping everything else separate. Same with my List of a 100. *Sigh,* Hmmm, I always feel the need for something new.

Speaking of new, should I tattoo, or pierce? I've been thinking nose, or belly button if I can tighten my belly by summer. for piercings of course. Tattoos...I want an arrow, (symbol for sagittarius) and a Triquetra (symbol in Charmed,) What to choose? Should I even decide to do it of course. Oy, I'm tired and feel like I'm beginning to get infected. A sore throat, slightly stuffy nose...huge headache...oh to be snuggled up in bed....indeed. I'll be off then, to snuggle in flannel sheets, under a goose down duvet with very malleable pillows to sink my head into.

EroticFae





Editors Note: Ok, so Tess's latest post on beauty made me want to repost to see what new kinds of reactions I get. Although I don't really know why it made me think of this post, and at the end I will post the original comments, So here goes.

Originally Posted September, 18th 2005
Have you ever woken up one morning and realized the seasons have changed?

Have you been able to smell the difference in the air? From Spring to Summer and Summer to Fall, the difference is so minute that we tend to overlook it but if you stop to think about it the changes are magnificent and at the same time horrible.

I woke up the other day and new it smelled different from the day before. It smelled like death. I knew the season was truly changing then, not because the days were getting shorter or even cooler. It was that cloying scent of death that clings to your tongue with a bittersweet tang. You could smell the rotting leaves on the trees even before they started to fall and it made me wonder if trees feel like cancer patients. Can they feel themselves beginning to rot and losing their leaves? Trees get sick like humans do the only difference is that we can't talk to the tree to find out where it hurts.

I only have to look at our last remaining peach tree in our backyard to know its in pain. How can it not be? It's split up through the middle and has reddish gold sap leaking constantly as it tries to heal itself. The ants were crawling all over it this summer trying to get at the sweetness. Taking away the healing agents to eat so they could survive but in turn helping finish off the last tree of my dad's. The last tree he had planted and one of the last gifts we gave to him for Father's Day. Now the leaves aree turning colours and beginning to fall from it and does it feel it like another attack? Or does it just slowly accept its fate to die so that it can revive in Spring to continue its ugly battle with its illness. Maybe if Cancer patients could do that they would get better?

Bears begin to go into hibernation soon, crawling into caves and burroughing down for the winter to wake up in spring having given birth to cubs. Or maybe not, perhaps the poachers will come and shoot them for their hides...or rather the money they could get for them. Some deer lose their antlers or part of them, and pregnant Does walk around unaware that hunting season approaches. Sometimes if the Hunter's are knowledgeable enough they'll be able to tell if one is pregnant or if one is too young to die yet..."let it go this year, He'll be bigger next year. More Meat."

Our world around us slowly dies until it's covered with a crystalline blanket of white. When you're inside and warm you could almost believe something so beautiful would be warm and fluffy, instead of bitterly cold and often times crunchy. "It's good snow for snowmobiling", "Let's go skiing!?", "Let's go out and make a snowman!" Is this maybe just our way of making the best out of a bad situation? Our world is dead, granted the snow will melt, warmth will return and our trees will regrow their lost leaves. Only to have to lose them again in a few weeks.

Over the past few days I've taken time to truly appreciate some things I never thought to. I won't tell you what they were for that would take the fun out of your own experiences with the seasons, but have you given thought to what Mother Nature must go through? Or have you just been thinking about your own daily lives and the problems that lie within?

I continue to think that I am slowly dying, beginning with that which I feel is most important to me. My creativity drains away so slowly and I forget the words I know are inside me. I have to write quickly otherwise they are gone and forgotten, like the leaves that were lost last fall.


Comments:

This made me think of the Disney movie "Ferngully". I cried when I saw that. The way Krista could feel the way the rainforest was dying all around her.
Seasons are like the phoenix. Winter brings cold, ashy death, until spring comes to give brith to everything anew.

I suppose if one believes in the afterlife or reincarnation then one does not have to be afraid of dying. Spring will come again for you.
JeN


As someone morally opposed to any season other than summer, this post has left me monumentally depressed.
Jay

EroticFae

Random Thoughts that came about because of New Years:
I need to keep my room Clean this year.
Fuck! Why do I keep shaving?! I should just go get a brazilian Wax and be done with it.


Personal Outlets;

Writing,
Excercising - Including trying to keep up with some karate/kickboxing moves on my own
Talking over things that mean the most to me with someone important, yes G. You.
Meditating,
Yoga,
Reading.

To Do List of 2006:

Kate Beckinsale,
Heath Ledger,
Jake Gyllenhaal
ORLANDO BLOOM
JOHNNY DEPP
RUPERT GRINT
Emma Watson
Ryan Gosling,
Shawn Ashmore,
Holly Marie Combs,
Alyssa Milano,
Rose McGowan, (Can you tell I like Charmed?)
Brian Haus(e) (sp? also from Charmed)
Harrison Ford,
G, of course!*Stares off into space momentarily,* ...oops uhmm..sorry...*shifting in my seat,*
*a small ount of time passes*
*My jaw drops...*Sorry I'm...Msn-ing with G and...just wrote something that honestly stuns me...I'm almost in tears because of it and...wow...Christ ok hang on.


Ok, ever had the kind of jaw dropping realization that if you'd have been standing you would have fallen on your ass? I have..just now. Ok. So Here's my conversation with G on msn, maybe you'll get what I'm trying to say. Maybe you won't. You don't have to read it, you can just leave after the previous randomnity, but this just adds to it.

So here you Go.








G: Hey baby (K) sorry I missed you earlier - at work...
EroticFae: *Hugs you tight* Hey, God I missed you last night, I so wish you could have been here
G: *huggggs* why baby?
EroticFae: I went to a dark Rave
G: a dark rave?
EroticFae: *Nods,* A rave with lots of Goths, fetishists etc.
G: ahhhh - kk
G: fun?
EroticFae: G: Tons, I wanted to dance with you, I wanted to have a collar on for you....*Snuggles,* I wanted you
G: *cudddddddddddddles you close*
EroticFae: *Hugs,*
G: guess what?
EroticFae: What?
G: I booked my ticket!
EroticFae: Yeh!
G: hehe
G: uh-huh
EroticFae: *Climbs on you* That's awesome! When do you get off work?
G: hehe - fairly soon - I'll prolly close up and clean up in the next few mins
G: *cudddddles you*
EroticFae: *Cuddles back,* ....Can you call tomorrow?
G: I can do my best, my pet
G: timing?
EroticFae: Mmm, (:30 would be best, but anytime between then and 3.
G: 9:30 - was that?
EroticFae: yes, whoops. Sorry Babe
G: hehe
G: kk
G: I'll see what I can do (K)
EroticFae: *Hugs you close and whispers in your ear,* You need to post! *biting gently*
G: hehe - I just not a big fan of posting... :P
EroticFae: Yeah Yeah.
G: I'm not
G: :P:P
G: seriously, you and like 3 other people read it...
EroticFae: I know. It pains me. *hugging you*
G: why does it pain you?
EroticFae: So what does that have to do with anything? I just...wish you liked it.
G: why baby? I have trouble seeing why it is important to you...
EroticFae: Writing is my outlet, where I can say anything, I just,....can't understand how others don't write,...very narrowminded is it not?
G: I do write sometimes... but when I do, it is intensely prviate
G: *private
EroticFae: *nods,* I can understand that
G: but I have other outlets as well... for me, listening to the right music is an outlet
G: I will choose music so specifically, because someone else has expressed my emotion better than I ever could
EroticFae: I haven't found anything other than a poem that I felt that strongly about
G: whereas the right piece of music can reduce me to tears
EroticFae: Music has never done that for me. well, no I'm sorry, Daddy's Hands, and My Baby thinks He's a Train and 7 year ache, but all after my dad passed away ....the last two were his favourites
G: [hug] there are definitely tracks like that too... ones that take me to a time or place
G: but there are also the tracks where the words, coupled with the music, form a complete emotion, encapsulate me
G: brb - closing the store
EroticFae: I don't get that kind of a connection with music. ok
G: back'
EroticFae: front?
G: see, to me music is poetry...
G: uh-huh - quite fond of your front ;)
EroticFae: *laughs,*
EroticFae: To me Music is a distraction, something to make time go faster, to take my mind off stupid things etc.
G: its just different for different people, I guess (K)
EroticFae: Probably. I write because...I haven't found anything definitive of me....Nothing I can believe in. Trust. or connect with really....wow...holy epiphany of the decade Batman
EroticFae: Babe....can I post our convo in my blog?
G: sure hon - if you'd like (K)
EroticFae: I've....*Wiping my eye,* God....I didn't...know that...
G: I don't have anything which truly defines me.. but there are tracks which express individual emotions
G: didn't know what?
EroticFae: That I don't beleive in anything, that I dont truly trust in....anything other than....the words I put in writing...Like,....I feel something but ...until I can express it in writing...I don't really know it.....*Biting my lip,* It's true....I write and it..pours out me but sometimes I don't think about writing I just go...and it's there I read it over and its....truth. Its....a piece of me.
EroticFae: *leaning back in my chair,*
G: *cudddddddddddles you* and that's what makes your writing azing, pet... it has the true feeling of genuine honesty
EroticFae: But how can I be that honest with my writing...but not with myself?
G: because when you write you don't think about whether its honest
G: you dont self-censor
G: as you said - you dont think about it...
EroticFae: *Folding my legs under me on the chair,* I've never understood people who self-censor, its ...stupid. You think something so it should be put out there.
G: but you may do it subconsciously...
EroticFae: And you probably need to close up and get home, I'll wait for you so we can talk some more ok? oh I'll also post on my blog
G: if you don't like your own ideas, you may refuse to accept them, mentally
G: (K) (L) kk sexygirl
G: I'll be home in about 20-30 mins
EroticFae: *Nods,* I'll try and stay up for you. *Kissing your cheek softly* thank you....


So there you have it folks, thats what I was talking about when I said Epiphany.....does it count?

EroticFae

The fog had settled earlier in the evening, around 10pm. It made the walk home interesting, she huddled in her brown suede trenchcoat. Her hands were stuffed inside her pockets and she made short and quick steps, clearly she was used to walking with people much taller than herself.

Lights loomed out the shady gray and passed her along the road, the lights from the lamp posts were miniscule and really not worth the elecricity that was being wasted on them. Half burned out lights flickering in a dense fog. Do you really expect them to work?

She could hear people talking and laughing on the other side of the street, they sounded half drunk and she shook her head. 12:15 am on a Wednesday, it's just not right. She pulled her MP3 player headphones out of her pocket and placed the earbuds in, and turned it on, wincing as it turned on full blast. It's amazing how loud you get used to something when you're trying to drown the sounds of a gym (which plays what they call music)out.

Turning the music down and picking up the pace slightly, she walks faster. She's always hated walking alone at night. It's not a matter of fearing being kidnapped or raped or anything, it's walking alone in the middle of night. Hey, it's a phobia, who says it has to make sense?

Stuffing her hands back in the pockets, hunching her shoulders a bit she tries to block the wind that is just starting to move in, from her ears. She lets out a large sigh and the air clouds in front of her face, just as if she had let out a lungful of cancerstick. She giggled a little and let out a breathy "Hah!" Just to watch it cloud. Smiling she shakes her head and turns down the street making it one block closer to home.

The hairs on the back of her neck stand up and a hand clamps down hard on her shoulder. Grabbing the hand and bending she throws the man swiftly over her body, she put a lot of effort into it but a black belt in karate didn't hurt either. The man jumped up and lunged at her, a knife glittering in his hand.

He slashed at her and drew first blood. Her hand opened up and began bleeding, she cried out and jerked backwards while he giggled and twirled.

"I gotchoo I did. Wat's the prutty gul goin' ta do now unh? Her soft and genteel hand is all bloodied now," He gigggled again and ran into the fog. She shuddered and withdrew to the edge of the building.

"Leave me Alone!" She cried out, huddling herself into a ball, and rocking back and forth. "please, just leave me alone!" she whimpered a little and looked up as she heard the clacking of high heeled shoes coming her way. There the woman was, fangs dripping with blood as she came nearer.

"We don't want to feed on you dearie, we just want you with us...you'll come you know. Eventually. Why not just give in and come under your own steam, before you get broken like O'keefe did mmm? " Her voice was accented, but much more cultured than the crazy mans voice. Both of them were like Him. The one who kept sending her the dreams. The one who kept coming into her bed at night and laying with her.

The one who scared the shit out of her.

Ok, that's all I've got time for tonight, ohhh and HNT....hmmm well ok G, helped me figure out which one to post as I took like 6 of them tonight after work and I didn't know which to put up, oddly enough he chose this one as opposed to the one where I have no shirt on, perhaps that will be posted at a later Date. Anyway, I'd like you all to meet my new toy, it was a christmas gift from a friend of mine who I met through work. I think I need to name it as well.....Hmm, well JeN any ideas?



Hope you enjoy!

EroticFae





I've Come To Expect It From You - George Strait


So upset, a nervous wreck, can't believe you said goodbye.
Sit and smoke, cry and joke about these tears in my eyes.
How could you do what you've gone and done to me?
I wouldn't treat a dog the way you treated me,
But that's what I get, I've come to expect it from you.

A million times, a million lines, and I bought 'em, every one.
You don't care, you rip and tear every dream I've counted on.
I guess that I should thank my unlucky stars
That I'm alive and you're the way you are,
But that's what I get, I've come to expect it from you.

How could you do what you've gone and done to me?
I wouldn't treat a dog the way you treated me,
But that's what I get, I've come to expect it from you.

I could raise hell, but what the hell
It wouldn't do a bit of good.
Pack and leave, my heart agrees; it seems to think that I should.
There won't be no more next time doin' me wrong.
You'll come back this time to find out that I'm gone,
But that's what you get, you should expect that from me.

That's what I get, I've come to expect it from you.

It's what I get, perhaps bad karma in a previous life is what forces this on me now. I'm confused and yes, hurting once more though I feel pathetic to admit it. I feel like crying all the time. I'm going to the gym again and possibly working harder causing more stress to my body than maybe I would normally, just to tire myself out. So I'll sleep, not think. Not dream.

I've even taken to visiting with "Henri" to take my mind off things. Thats great isn't it? Visit a little battery operated male named stub in order to take my mind off of a perfectly good looking seemingly sweet hetero man.

*sigh,*

Dreams are not restfull things. Neither is self-doubt. I try not to and can't help but do it, am I too fat? Too short? Is my hair too long? Too short? Too red? Too curly? not curly enough? Am I being too hard my self? not hard enough? Should I do this, or that...fuck! Anger and confusion, it's not fair, and I'm starting to feel like none of it is worth it. Like I'm not worth it, and how pathetic is that? when you can think of nothing more important than yourself? Boo...well fuck me sideways with ...with....a giant spiny thing.

Fae