I listened to a new c.d. today...and who would have thought she'd make me think of you again. Oh dear Panning....even your metaphysicial spirit would be too homophobic to allow you masturbation.

Does it make you feel dirty? Is that why you won't call? Do I disgust you that much?

My spirit is open, and able to roam. My thoughts and beliefs are mine, I'll never try to force them on you and I hope someday you could come to understand the way that I am.

I like to stand in open fields and spin in circles with my arms spread out. I enjoy rolling down hills, and imagining myself to be a log, trying to hold myself stiff and straight. failing everytime when I double over in laughter. I like walking through mud in barefeet just to feel it squishing between my toes, I like walking through grass to feel it tickling my soles.

I still like to play tag, or hide and seek. Manhunt....in the dark, roaming the streets in my neighbourhood, even though you're not supposed to leave the park.

I enjoy playing board games, and I despise cheaters.

I don't like people who hold back....there are times and days where I hate myself.

I'm not anti social, I'm just not entirely comfortable talking to people. New People.....I try so hard...maybe too hard.

I'm so uncomfortable in this shell...it's disappointing, but I've learned to live with it sort of. I was at the gym on the treadmill, my friend on the machine beside me. I felt like the Heffalump beside Kiplings Bagheera. I was speed walking because I can run or even really jog ...I feel like a cow. And she ran, and ran, and ran. I was jealous and I hated it. and I got over it. I'll never be tall. I'll never be willow slender. I'll be a gypsy in an ivory skinned body for the rest of my life. No matter how often I dream of myself as the 5'8" woman with waist length wavy black hair and the amber eyes of the wolf. I'll still be here, Pale, red haired and blue eyed in an overweight body.

The song is playing again...I push it down....I become numb....and listen to the words...and I realize that I want to know the answer to what she asks.

Can you hear me?

|| by Fae ||
10:49:00 PM |