I told a co-worker of mine the other day why I won't read the newspaper or watch the news. It's too depressing. I've had far too much shit in far too close a span of time happen and ...if I had to listen to the news or read it. I think I would fall over the edge and be in a crazy house for the rest of my life.

age 7 - Great Uncle Don died. I didn't really know him, but it was really the beginning of the end.

age 10 - I learn what it illness my uncle has had for the past few years. Cancer. I find out what it does. My uncle was given 6 months, he lived for 6 years.

age 11 well....12 really it was the day of my 12th birthday (December) - I'm told early in the morning that my father is in the hospital, the job he was working on in Bogata, Columbia has made him very sick, and the doctors say he's dying. My mother and my aunts sent me balloons to my classroom that day. and I don't think I ever saw my french teacher be as compassionate with any student at any other time then that day when she hugged me.

6 months later he is at home on oxygen, the doctors had given him two weeks. Said he would never walk again, or be off oxygen.

He walked enough to be able to till the garden with my sister holding his oxygen tank. He also managed to get off oxygen for a year or two.

age 12 a few months later (March Break) - My cousin is killed in a freak car accident, where the driver of a truck decided the tractor trailer ahead of him was going to slowly up the hill so he pulled out to pass him and hit my cousins car, and three others. My cousin and one other were killed. My Cousin was 28, he left a wife with two children, A mother, father, and sister and brother behind.
That was the first time I questioned the worth of life.

(Did I really tell people writing is cathartic? Cause it hurts like a bitch right now.)

Age 14 (November) - My Uncle passes away from Liver, and stomach cancers. I couldn't visit him in the hospital. I could remember my Dad, and what I saw, wasn't my father in that room. I couldn't let that happen to my uncle.

Age 16 - After years of battling, my father passes away just weeks from being able to get the lung transplant he needed...I spoke at his funeral.

That was the first time I cried about it. As I was talking about...how much he loved holding the babies in the family, loved snowmobiling and riding toboggans like a genie, and even losing his dentures on the hill when the G.T. started going too fast and he was laughing too hard. I made everyone laugh.

Age 17 - Just a few weeks from my birthday my Sister and my brother in-law get married.

Age 18 - Just a few weeks from my birthday I'm told that my sister is pregnant.

Age 18 - A few days before my birthday I was told my sister was having Twins.

I have a gorgeous Neice and an unbelievably handsome Nephew.

And between all of this, there were still the minor things going on. One uncle was diagnosed with stomach cancer and had to have part of his stomach removed, the same uncle may now be losing his legs.

Another uncle just recently had an emergency triple bypass surgery done...A while back his son was diagnosed with cancer which he has beaten back, an aunt had an emergency hysterectomy, Another aunt was in a car accident and then later had a minor Heart Attack. Her husband (My uncle) has suffered a stroke and has never been the same....another uncle has had numerous minor strokes and ...angina's I guess is what they call them....

This past labour day weekend my great-aunt passed away.
I've just been told today...well yesterday now, that my grandmother has fallen and hurt herself badly.

I just can't seem to get away from it. Whenever something good happens I wait to see when the bad will come because it invariably does.

Maybe this is why I've been pushing away from people. Closing off a little more. Not too mention that everyone else seems to have found their places in their lives and I don't really seem to fit anywhere.

I'm the odd person out, and I know there are people who will say I'm not, that I'm being silly and it's just not true but it is true. It's true because I feel it to be so. Until I can get away from this ache, it will be true.

I just haven't found the way to bypass that feeling, to acknowledge it and say, yes I know you're here and thats ok, but I can't let you rule me anymore.

I haven't found a reason to yet.

I haven't found that person yet, the one that can show me the way.

Until I find me.

There will be no one to show the way.
I've been lost for so long,
I just want a little sunshine to come my way.

over grassy knolls,
and 'round shady bends,
Sunlight should stream through
cotton clouds, or verdant leaves.

Until the sunlight shines my way,
I walk through Stormy nights,
with howling winds,
Thunder and Lightening fights.

Until the Sunlight begins to stream,
Forever will my darkness scream.


I'm drained and tired now. Once again, one tear only, no crying allowed for me. I imagine I'll have the headache from hell in the morning.
Look for the editors note, let's see if I'm right shall we???

Ed. Note: Now that I've slept it all off, I do indeed have a headache, not one from hell but one that is bad enough anyway.

Now I've got Tess talking to me about guys gong down on girls, and other various oral pleasures. Between you and me I think my last comment on her blog made her worry ;) Take care all. ~Fae

|| by Fae ||
12:40:00 AM |