(I originally started this post with "I want..." but it's so much more than that.)
I need...

...to shake my fist in anger,
...to scream out my frustrations,
...to rake my nails down the skin of my arms so deep it draws blood,
...to know that I can feel,
...to know that I can cry,
...to know that I can grieve,
...to know that I belong,
...to know that it's ok that I'm alive,
...to feel safe again,
...to know that I'm not going insane,
...to understand why I can give so much to others, when they can never give to me;
...to figure out why I always feel so out of place and alone,
...to know what it's like to be dominated by someone standing in front of me,
...to know that I won't always be let down by those around me,
...to not fear difference, or change,
...to make a change...a big change.

Eroticfae





I went and visited The Village Idiots
base of operations and I found his quiz, at which I failed...I mean hugely sucked. It was like pepe le pu walked in the room. So, here's my own quiz. Enjoy!

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

(My HNT is below this post)
EroticFae





I have been in a constant state of arousal for the past two weeks....G is in NY and therefore can't help me out (phonecalls from hotels being so pricey,) even if he offered I wouldn't...{Something other than 'let him'} accept it...? Too much moolah!)

The...equipment... I have handy is not of much help, and the bra I'm wearing doesn't help either as the stitching on the inside of it runs right over my nipple....but its just so darn pretty!




Oh and just so you know, I match too!




And they're green! Not a true green of course, A very very pale green....which works well with my very pale skin.

It's all the green I had....*Shrugs,* I couldn't have worn nothing....!

*Wicked grin,*

EroticFae





I have a good heart,
I'm kind,
Understanding and sympathetic.

I deserve the best in life.
I should not have to settle for less than that.

This past month, lunar cycle, astroligcal period whatever you want to call it has sent me into a depression.

Maybe it's because G is on vacation and I can't talk to him the way I normally would. But I'll be meeting him in real life soon. It gives me something to look forward to.

Maybe it's because Pisces seems to have it in for me. 1st boyfriend, that I have dubbed my non-boyfriend as we all deserve to have one guy we negate ever having had a relationship with, was a pisces. He cheated on me. My best friend from elementary school was a Pisces. I found out she and some of my other 'friends' had been talking about me behind my back. She called me a Bitch. You call me that to my face that's fine I'll deal I can respect that. I can not and will not respect someone who hasn't got the brass to do that, when they need to make themselves feel bigger, by putting others down. My first real relationship, with Panning no less, he was a pisces. He ripped my still beating heart out of my chest and continues to stomp on it every time I give him the chance. I give him the chance because I'm naive, gullible foolish, and I have hope.

Hope is what keeps me going, keeps me strong.

I'm pretty sure G is a pisces....or close to it. But I could be screwing up my dates again. I tried pushing him away, in that respect I broke my own heart a little, and he healed it by showing me that he wasn't going anywhere. He is my friend first and foremost, a man I have many things in common with and one I have come to love however I can over this network of binary codes.

I'm scared.

Terrified really but what does that matter?

All that matters is that I push through day by day, I hold on. I do what it takes to get through another day. To survive.

I need to learn to let go. I think I'm driving myself insane. I also think I might be a little dyslexic or at least have some sort of learning disability.

I just want to be held. I want strong arms to wrap around me and press me tight against his body. His chin just barely resting on the top of my head, my eyes closed and breathing in the scent of him. His hands rubbing up and down my back, and his lips pressing softly on the top of my head.

It's the little things I want, but in waiting for them to happen I'm also waiting for that other shoe to drop.

The one that takes it all away. I've started thinking that it's almost dangerous to know me, to be around me. People get hurt, they leave, they die. They just....fall away and I can't help it. Can't help them. Can't help myself.

I feel so much guilt. I can't let it go.

and I'll never be able to say why.





Editor's Note: If you click on the picture you can see a larger version...what they should really look like. OK? Ok. Ciao! ~F.

I'm melancholic, over dramatic and a little more than over the top. At least for today...and yesterday. Maybe it's just not my week. Though my Horoscope said I should "Go in for the kill" I tried. It crashed. And now I burn.





And then I played a little with the crap photo program I have and this is what the result was.



And another that was supposed to look like an oil painting...maybe it would if it were bigger...




Last one I promise, the one before this had a texture to it...I don't know if you could tell or not...but well this one doesn't.




Enjoy, and enjoy the poem below. it's another testament to the emotions I never let out. Except for on here.

Fae





Beliefs are strong, until they crash.
Hopes are fragile, they get dashed.
Wavering, flitting, fluttering through
All day long lies are truth.

Be strong, don't wilt.
Hard as iron,
Cold as winter's steel,
This way, you can't feel,

Don't bend, Don't sway
lead the others astray.
This way they'll never know,
The feelings you never show.

Truth can bend into deceit
Lay your problems at my feet,
My problems, with you I shall share,
just to see if they compare.
Try to find the lies I hide,
You'll never find where it divides,
My truth and lies are as one.
Comparsions 'twixt us there shall be none.

You do not compare to the devil in me.
Nor shall you ever,
see one
as sweet as she.

DarkEros, EroticFae & A.C.

I was happy all day, and now...well now I'm definately not.
~Fae