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Sunday, March 12, 2006
I cried a single tear....literally.
I have a good heart,
I'm kind,
Understanding and sympathetic.
I deserve the best in life.
I should not have to settle for less than that.
This past month, lunar cycle, astroligcal period whatever you want to call it has sent me into a depression.
Maybe it's because G is on vacation and I can't talk to him the way I normally would. But I'll be meeting him in real life soon. It gives me something to look forward to.
Maybe it's because Pisces seems to have it in for me. 1st boyfriend, that I have dubbed my non-boyfriend as we all deserve to have one guy we negate ever having had a relationship with, was a pisces. He cheated on me. My best friend from elementary school was a Pisces. I found out she and some of my other 'friends' had been talking about me behind my back. She called me a Bitch. You call me that to my face that's fine I'll deal I can respect that. I can not and will not respect someone who hasn't got the brass to do that, when they need to make themselves feel bigger, by putting others down. My first real relationship, with Panning no less, he was a pisces. He ripped my still beating heart out of my chest and continues to stomp on it every time I give him the chance. I give him the chance because I'm naive, gullible foolish, and I have hope.
Hope is what keeps me going, keeps me strong.
I'm pretty sure G is a pisces....or close to it. But I could be screwing up my dates again. I tried pushing him away, in that respect I broke my own heart a little, and he healed it by showing me that he wasn't going anywhere. He is my friend first and foremost, a man I have many things in common with and one I have come to love however I can over this network of binary codes.
I'm scared.
Terrified really but what does that matter?
All that matters is that I push through day by day, I hold on. I do what it takes to get through another day. To survive.
I need to learn to let go. I think I'm driving myself insane. I also think I might be a little dyslexic or at least have some sort of learning disability.
I just want to be held. I want strong arms to wrap around me and press me tight against his body. His chin just barely resting on the top of my head, my eyes closed and breathing in the scent of him. His hands rubbing up and down my back, and his lips pressing softly on the top of my head.
It's the little things I want, but in waiting for them to happen I'm also waiting for that other shoe to drop.
The one that takes it all away. I've started thinking that it's almost dangerous to know me, to be around me. People get hurt, they leave, they die. They just....fall away and I can't help it. Can't help them. Can't help myself.
I feel so much guilt. I can't let it go.
and I'll never be able to say why.
|| by Fae ||
11:26:00 PM |
 
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